I am lonely

On good advice, I am reminded that this journal is meant to be a self care tool as much as it is an expression of my daily or weekly comings and goings. So, I am taking this opportunity to write my feelings and not just the facts of the day. Self care is something I need to practice, be it a drive to my favorite spot, preparing a meal I enjoy, working on a passion project, or simply saying out loud (in text, lol) the words that are clanging around in my head.

I am lonely. There is so much going on in my life right now. Some things are wonderful, the long awaited answers to prayers, others are about as painful as any human should ever have to endure. Right now, as I sit here, the pain is deep. Sometimes, it feels like I am floating above the tasks and things of the day. I see them, I know they are there, and I know they are meaningful to me — but the suffering is stronger and pulling me away. I feel like I am looking down at my life from above. I feel fractured. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism so I don’t completely crumble away. Maybe it’s partly an act of denial. Maybe it’s that the usual way of handling life, just won’t work right now. I don’t really know, maybe it’s all of those things. But it happens every few days or so — eventually I come back down and re-enter my body — all the world on my shoulders again.

I reach for truth —

Isaiah 41:10
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Joshua 1:9
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Psalms 94:19
19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

art by Kimberly

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