Untitled thoughts

She looked at me, right through me even, as though she’d never known me — all at once her pain became mine, and now all I can think about is how to fill the cracks with gold. Like they do with broken pottery. The light is always so bright next to the dark.  To everyone but the shadow. There’s a veil between now that did not exist before. It reminds me of my own. As if the headphones 🎧 could block out the world. Make this moment not real. And maybe they do. Maybe listening to someone out there who’s not connected to the pain of her loss will help her find her way back home.  Often, I find myself in conversation with people to whom I am not known and see hidden parts of myself. She’s on a journey I would not have chosen for her, but aren’t we all. Like her mother or sister, I want her to step into the light but understand the depth of her cracks. The compartments we pile our garbage in. The glory to be had. And aren’t we all being redeemed. Don’t be angry. What are you crying for? Clean up your room. You’ll eat what I make and be happy. You’re not allowed to speak to them. They don’t love you. They never did. You’re so good, I never have to worry about you. You’re perfect. You always make me so proud. You’re so cute. You make me laugh. Wash your hair, it’s a mess. Sit still.  If you don’t brush your teeth, I won’t read to you. There’s not enough time for that. Here’s your gold star for doing your chores. You are so creative! I’m scared. Swim to the side where it gets shallow and put your feet down. I did it! It’s important to be careful. Cat squirrel sneaker toes with spaghetti books fur under smelly and bouncy cement leeks with gross goober swallow mice dig eleven tree surveys to sneaker visit a willow bunker for dreamy water nymphs. Let’s play a game. Look what I made. Thank you for showing me how to do that. Can I mix the paints together? You ask great questions. That was such a kind thing you did. They were mean to him on the bus. Would you have jumped in after me? Don’t worry. Tell me a story.

To be continued . . .

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